Looking for romance? Apps might not be the answer
Despite the social apps, why is it harder to find a romantic connection?
How do you find the one? Or, at least someone you like for a lifetime or the night.
For many, digital platforms have become a popular tool in the search for romance, with one in 10 adults using dating apps according to Ofcom.
This spring, the British Academy (BA) discussed how the increasing dependency on digital platforms, including social media, has shaped dating.
“Companies are not there for our benefit. They are there to make money out of our anxieties, our fears, our misfortunes in love,” said Dr Shannon Philip, a Gender and Sexuality Sociologist speaking on the BA’s panel.
A YouGov survey found that the majority of people meet their partners not through the apps, but in real life. Whether through friends, education, work, or in passing.
YouGov: Most people don't meet their partner online
YouGov: Most people don't meet their partner online
So, why are so many of us relying on digital platforms for romance if romantic connections are spotty or short-lived?
I spoke to the experts and daters to understand why. And, how you actually find what you’re looking for.
So, why are so many of us relying on digital platforms for romance if romantic connections are spotty or short-lived?
Dr Luke Brunning, who spoke at BA’s event, suggested that apps don’t restrict daters to their local area. They have a plethora of people at their fingertips, but with this array of options, daters are quicker to reject others over minor things.
"[It] makes people often a lot more ruthless"
Dr Luke Brunning, a love and relationships philosopher in Leeds. Image: Charlie Swinbourne.
Dr Luke Brunning, a love and relationships philosopher in Leeds. Image: Charlie Swinbourne.
“It's very palpable that there are other people out there, which makes people often a lot more ruthless when it comes to kind of moving on if they think that something's not right,” he explained.
Dating has always been a ‘hunt’, said Dr Treena Orchard, a sexuality and gender anthropologist.
“Romance is always kind of a game, a chase,” she said, but “dating on the apps is gamified.”
Dr Treena Orchard, sexual wellness expert and anthropologist. Image: Dr Treena Orchard
Dr Treena Orchard, sexual wellness expert and anthropologist. Image: Dr Treena Orchard
Meet our daters
Mae out and about in Manchester. Image: Mae Murphy
Mae out and about in Manchester. Image: Mae Murphy
Mae
25, University of Manchester Student
If you want to find a match, it's all about presentation online, both in pictures and prompts.
"I do curate a version of myself that is attractive, funny, and socially acceptable."
But finding the balance of 'candid' and 'plandid' is key: "I'm trying to seem effortless, but it's a very constructed thing."
Hannah at a London cafe bar. Image: Erin Botten
Hannah at a London cafe bar. Image: Erin Botten
Hannah
26, London Software Engineer
Not looking for a long-term relationship, Hannah meets people in bars and online.
"I should just be less shy and actually just go and approach people."
The perks of the apps? "You don't need to be as confident."
“My friends and I will swap each other's phones and play through each other's profiles,” said Mae, a 25-year-old Manchester student.
“We'll comment on the prompts, the pictures, and any perceived red flags based on those. Whether someone seems funny or like they'd be absolutely insufferable."
As social media has become part of everyday life, an online ‘stalk’ has almost become routine in getting to know someone.
“If they've run a race, I would definitely go and check their time. That's a classic. And maybe a LinkedIn stalk,” said Hannah, a 26-year-old London Software Engineer.
The digital age has allowed daters to “triangulate someone online,” said Dr Brunning. To understand their interests, values and whether you would feel safe meeting this person.
However, this false sense of getting to know someone can stagnate any potential connection, Dr Brunning added.
Online, people are performing, filtering themselves to seem more appealing to others. It adds to the gamification of dating, where rejection occurs before you’ve even met.
When meeting in real life, relationships don’t experience as many pre-judgements. Your first impression is what you see before you, and it’s up to you to talk to them to get to know them, said Dr Brunning.
But talking to people can be intimidating for many, especially young people who have grown up in digital spaces. So while there’s a never-ending opportunity for connection because of digital platforms, it can feel harder to pursue someone without using apps.
So, how do you meet someone? How do you date successfully?
Concentrate less on immediately getting to know someone and what the relationship could be, and be more open to people’s differences, suggested Dr Brunning.
“People are mysterious and often irritating and have quirks. [If] we don't make any space for at least some of that, then you're going to have a hard time having a relationship with anyone," he added.
And to actually meet people? Go to spaces shared by people you’d want to get to know, Dr Orchard suggested.
“Go places with your other single friends and just see what happens.”
Ultimately, to actually meet people, you need to log on less and live in the moment more.
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